The Curious Case of Lil Canoli
- Witney Nielsen
- Mar 20
- 7 min read
So there I was walking into the Cookie Haus this past Saturday morn, all pumped to sling some St. Patrick's Day cookies at the open haus bake sale, when I was stopped dead in my tracks. Lil Canoli, the Cookie Haus' beloved pink guard dog, was not in his spot on the porch. My first thought was that a friend was playing a prank on me. I pulled up the security footage on my phone and that's when I realized that the security camera that points out onto the porch was... offline...
Let's now take a little trip back two weeks to my dog's Quinceanera. (I just wasted SO MUCH time trying to figure out how to put a tilde over that n that I'm mad at myself! I still can't figure it out. Just know that I know it's supposed to be there k?)
Mo has been talking about her dream 15th birthday party for as long as I can remember. I had one job - to make all her puppy dreams come true. Those dreams obviously included a bubble machine at the door.
Look at this beautiful angel baby! How could I deny her anything!?
In order to power said bubble machine, I had to unplug one measley little security camera. No biggie right? The most serious Cookie Haus crime to date is when Baby Juni tried to run off with one of my precious beanie babies...
Don't worry I'm much bigger, it was no contest. Princess Di is back on her throne amongst her brethren.
I digress.
Moral of the story: I unplugged the security camera that would have looked the dog thief right in their dog thieving face, and forgot to plug it back in. All so Mo could make a bubble entrance at her birthday party... and I have NO REGRETS OKAY!??
One Mrs. Rose Farts Cates described this as the "most Witney thing ever" and I'm choosing to take it as a compliment (like when Monica on Friends tried to reclaim the phrase "pulling a Monica")
Let's not dwell on this too much, I just needed to admit it. I'm not a real grown up, I know. I'll pay more attention in the future. Probably.
I know what you're thinking: "Witney is a legit madman, who is obsessed with her treasures, and must have several cameras at the ole Cookie Haus right?" Right-O Fido! And they were about as useful as the number 9 on a microwave...
So we had the facts that this thief sports a vest, and is either an extreme night owl or crazy early bird, to work with. I grumpily made a 'poor me, feel bad for me' post on Facebook, and started to get ready for the bake sale. Then something unprecidented happened... people showed up to the sale! Now I would love to think that my amazing marketing (aka posting a story about the sale happening at 10:30pm the night before, and forgetting to include the address) brought these shoppers, but everyone kept giving me condolences for the loss of Lil Canoli. Apparently more than the usual 9 people saw my post and Bismarckians were becoming enraged on my behalf. Our beloved handyman Buddy was assembling a vigilante mob to get him back. Tipsters were hitting up my DMs with leads. I even found out later that a group of postal workers were keeping an eye out for him along their routes. Things were getting weird. Even for me. Who knew that everyone loved the pink dog so much!
Local gumshoe Jody Kerzman from KFYR hit me up about doing a story. She popped over to the Cookie Haus on Sunday and I walked her through the harrowing events. I pled into the camera to return Lil Canoli unharmed. I'm sure 99% of the footage Jody got was completely unusable because we were laughing so hard. I was for sure bummed about Lil Canoli being stolen, but things were getting so ridiculous and people were being so awesome, we couldn't help but laugh. Y'all warmed my cold black heart.
Monday morning came and as I pulled up to the Cookie Haus I noticed the gaping hole where Canoli usually perched. I also noticed a hot pink bag next to his chain... I scampered over and ripped into it to find this gorgeous beauty!!
Some magical mystery person crocheted a lil'er Lil Canoli and left him for me to cheer me up! YOU GUYSSSSSSSSSSSZZZ! How sweet and wonderful and special and cute and all the good adjectives!!!!! Thank you to whomever made Tiny Canoli and brought him into my world! I love him so much!!
That day the news story aired (I wanna say like 3 times maybe???) and even more support came rolling in! A precious angel left a Strawberry Shortcake hooded blanket for me to wear in my time of need (pictures to come!) I received countless messages, texts, phone calls... but still no sign of Canoli...
Tuesday morning. I arrived at the Cookie Haus around 8am. I again noticed the empty space Canoli once enhabited. I wondered if I would ever get used to the sight of a pink dog-less Cookie Haus. Surely I could never become accustomed to such a sad sight.
As I was starting to work my phone was ringing off the hook. As many of you know I no longer answer phone calls after falling for a telephone scam - even though I made the scammer PROMISE they weren't scamming me. After a few calls in a row I received a Facebook message saying Lil Canoli had been found and they were sending me a video. I was not prepared for a video straight out of a Dateline crime scene...
I screamed! I cried! I called Andy and told him to get his buns up North to grab my baby boy!!!!
Canoli made it back home in one piece with a few cracks and holes (as well as several new questionable tattoos). The thieves also appeared to have tried to paint over where they drew on him?? Honestly I have no idea what this poor guy has been through and he has yet to say a word about it. He'll tell us when he's ready.
For now we're just glad he's safe. The fabulous folks at Dakota Recreation Repair contacted me right away to let me know they thought they would be able to restore him to his former glory. They came and scooped him up, and he is now in their capable hands being nursed back to health! He should be back at the Cookie Haus within a few weeks and I fully plan on having a welcome home party with cookies and cotton candy and of course BUBBLES! Stay tuned to Unco content for more info on that!
A huge thank you to everyone who cared and shared and all that warm fuzzy stuff. This was a huge bummer that turned out to have a happy ending and as a bonus gave me a super weird story to tell! I am absolutely blown away by our community, let's solve world hunger next guys!
K I'm tired and this is long and I need to end it. BUT I thought I would throw out some FAQs about Lil Canoli and this whole situation :)
Q: Where did Lil Canoli come from?
A: He was a display piece in the children's department at Herbergers for a zillion years, and when they were getting rid of old props my mom bought him for me. (we can't remember for sure but we think we got him in the early 2000's). He was originally black and white, then teal, and then he finally found his true color of pink when he moved to the Cookie Haus.
Q: Where did the name Lil Canoli come from?
A: We had a "pink dog naming contest" at the Cookie Haus grand opening and a sweet baby angel named Zoey won! (Fun fact, the runner up was my buddy Brett Bina who tried to get it named after himself, so we made 'Brett Bina' Canoli's middle name)
Q: Are you aware it is spelled Cannoli not Canoli?
A: Some might argue that it's Whitney not Witney, but I beg to differ.
Q: Is this a Sherri Papini situation?
A: I am way too lazy to ever be awake at 4am and/or pull this off, but I admit it would be hilarious (and awful).
Q; Will Lil Canoli resume his post as the Cookie Haus watch dog?
A: Yep! As soon as he's all better! Bismarck apparently loves him so I gotta give the people what they want :)
Q: Any idea who the thief was?
A: Lucky for me (and society as a whole I suppose) most people prioritize security over bubbles and we were able to get a neighboring surveillance video of the getaway truck. Also lucky (for the thieves this time) Lil Canoli was found before we got the footage. I currently have no plans to press charges. I'm not out to get anyone in trouble, I truly think that this was a stupid prank that got wildly out of control. I got him back and that was all I really wanted. (but thief if you are reading this can you please change your thieving ways? Consider this a wake up call? Also... don't steal from a house that has a public high school with all of their security cameras right across the street... just sayin')
Q: What now?
A: Well the excitement is over (I think) and I'm working on making a bunch of Lil Canoli cookies and stickers. All of the proceeds from these cookies will go to Furry Friends Rockin' Rescue so we can hopefully help save some more (and real!) puppers. More on that to come!
You all are amazing! Thank you for caring so much, and I have a new found appreciation for the power of an angry internet mob!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXO,
Wit
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